On Roller Coasters

When it was dark, you always carried the sun in your hand for me.
― Seán O’Casey


I haven’t written a new blog in a while. Sometimes it is just hard to be inspired. The day-to-day tasks of life can make a week, or even a month go by before you know it. The truth is, day-to-day life isn’t the only thing influencing my lack of inspiration.

When I originally started this blog I was attempting to share the lessons I was learning from the crazy adventure of motherhood. Motherhood is typically brought on with the help of another person. More often than not that person is your chosen partner in life, at least in my case it is. You and your partner are (usually) in love, in a committed relationship and going through the ups and downs of life together. Which brings me to my reason for finally posting, I’m sharing a lesson I’ve learned on love.

In the beginning of September Scott and I made the decision to break the lease of our city apartment early because we found an amazing townhouse for rent in the suburbs. Lately I had become overwhelmed by a) how tiny our apartment was and how much space Gigi and all her stuff not only needed, but deserved.. and b) how far away I was from my family and closest friends. Scott always longs for nature and wide open spaces anyways, so we agreed moving out of the city would be best for our little family. We had no problem finding renters to take over our lease, they even agreed to pay us for a week and half of September where our lease would overlap. We were excited, optimistic and ready to start fresh.

Cut to, Scott getting a phone call from the renter (and her mom…) saying they weren’t going to let us “scam” them and they were refusing to pay for the overlapping week. It was obvious they were on one level of experiencing the situation, and we were on another (to put it nicely) so we decided not to press the issue. We were out a few hundred bucks, but they were still taking over our lease in October. Seemingly insignificant, but looking back I realize that was when the energy around us started shifting in a different direction.

That same week Scott received some unfortunate news at work and began one of the, if not THE, most frustrating times in his professional career. One we are still navigating today. I’ll spare the details, but after that it seemed like struggle after struggle just piled on top of each other. Some extremely significant, others not so much. Basically it has been nothing short of absolutely exhausting. And you know what? When you are exhausted you are not on your best behavior. And when you’re not on your best behavior your marriage can suffer. That’s where love comes in.

They say life is like a roller coaster. Well this past month or so there have been times that I’ve felt like Scott and I were on completely different rides. He would come home all excited and energized about something and I would snap at him. I was tired from being with the baby, and for some reason had no patience for any positivity. Sometimes when you’re feeling down no one else is allowed to be happy right? (I can’t be the only one guilty of feeling that way). Other times, I would walk into our living room refreshed and in a silly mood. I’d crack a joke or try to strike up a conversation only to find him glued to the computer, completely shut down and closed off. I can’t blame him. Finding yourself knee-deep in the previously mentioned career navigating doesn’t really lend itself to keeping your spirits high. Of course when he is shut down it sends an overly emotional person like myself into a tail spin. Which is never a good thing.

But then there are the moments when it just clicks. When I know without a doubt we are on the same roller coaster, side by side.

Sitting on the couch in the middle of a ‘discussion’ and one of us will accidentally smile, which will make the other person smile, which will make me start giggling, which makes both of us laugh uncontrollably, which makes whatever we were discussing meaningless.

When I come out from putting Gigi to bed to find him making dinner. Or when he comes home to find all his laundry put away.

When a slow song comes on his Country Music Pandora station and he starts dancing with me in the kitchen, while Gigi watches and smiles from her high chair.

When I almost make it through the anniversary of my father’s death, but then completely break down when someone posts a picture of me in his arms on Facebook, so Scott wraps his arms around me and says “You know he’s here.”

Laying in bed day dreaming about how we are going to decorate for Christmas, and the theme of Gigi’s first birthday party, or if we should have more kids.

When I lean in for a quick kiss and get a little more than just a peck, so we keep on kissing…

Those moments are much more meaningful than any other moments in our relationship because they come from love. And more importantly, hope. We know this frustrating time in our lives will not be forever. It would be so easy to crumble and take our anger, sadness and fear out on each other every single day. But when you have hope, you know with darkness there is light. Whatever crosses our path in the coming months will be that much more appreciated because of what we are going through now.

Anyways, to wrap this all up.  I haven’t been posting because I’ve been focusing on staying positive for my family. Staying positive is a full-time job, one that I’m not perfect at either. At the end of the day we are healthy and full of hope, and that is all I could ever really ask for.

be back soon, xo ♥

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